Criticism

I've realized people are so quick to judge others because their own lives are so messed up that it eases their guilt by making others look or feel bad.

I am trying my darnedest not to judge those who have judged me!

Matthew 7:1-3
1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged,
and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye
and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

I'm not religious but I think a lot of things in the Bible speak true. Really it's more just common sense.

There have been many accusations going around about me. It seems as though people don't have the guts to call me up and ask questions. I am honest! If you ask I will tell. I have absolutely nothing to hide!

Starting from the beginning. When Dave and I were engaged I went to a bar my cousin owned with a friend and some family after my bridal shower. A group of guys were there that Dave and I hung out with often. They were friends of another cousin of mine. Well the friend I came with thought one of them was cute so I spent most of the night talking and dancing with him AND my friend. I was trying to hook them up. Well a few days after that night ended I found out my cousin was accusing me of kissing this guy that night. I will say, he was VERY drunk and he actually flat out told me he wishes he was Dave. So he may have imagined it but it NEVER happened! My friend and some family that was there can contest to that. Well, the accusation ruined my relationship with my cousin and swayed views some extended family members had of me. And now I am reliving it. Everyone assumes it must have been true because I have a BF now.

Which brings me to the next accusation. Everyone thinks I'm cheating on Dave with Josh. Legally I am still married so that makes me a cheater and Josh is accused of having no character. So if this takes 2 years (which it won't) I should still stay single until everything is final? I left Dave BEFORE Josh and I got together. The reasons I asked for the divorce have absolutely NOTHING to do with Josh! I have no intentions what so ever of going back. People go on a "break" in their relationship and sleep with other people. That in my opinion is not OK! But this is not just a break we are finito! Some people think it is just morally wrong because our vows still stand until it's official. That is a personal opinion. But I would like to see what those people would really do in my position. and if you were Josh and you had a shot at the one person you ever truly loved, you'd just sit back and watch? I think not!


Here's a little history...

Josh and I have known each other well since high school. His home was a 2nd home to me at one point. We were never officially BF GF but we were both aware we liked each other very much. To this day neither of us can explain why we never acted upon that. The time just wasn't right I guess. Well Josh joined the army and left shortly after we graduated. While he was gone he got me a ring. As a promise to be together. Asking me to wait for him. It was all very confusing though. Josh and I never spoke about it, it was just assumed. And I still dated.

Dave came along while Josh was deployed. We fell in love. It IS possible for a person to love more than 1 person at a time. I have always loved Josh! I put those feelings aside though. There were a couple times Josh and I saw each other when I was engaged at funerals but it was nothing more than a hello. I actually told Dave from the very beginning when he proposed that if Josh came back around and wanted a relationship before Dave and I got married that I would give it to him. I did promise after all. Not long after I was married Josh married as well. We never spoke a word to each other for over 8 years.



All of my heart/effort went into my marriage. Dave and I had some issues from the beginning that ultimately ended our marriage. We struggled for 6 years. I always said I would never leave no matter what. Maybe that was me in denial. I knew there was a huge problem. I read books, I changed, I tried, and so did Dave. but it always came back around full circle. We had some wonderful times in our marriage and had 3 amazing kids. But there was no way Dave and I could continue to have a relationship.

The first time I talked to Dave seriously about a divorce was around January 2010. We never told family of our problems so no one knew. But our close friends could see. Dave wrote me a card asking for forgiveness. He wanted to try harder. He asked me to love him again. Things did get better... for a short while. He seemed serious so I tried harder too. Then he just got mean when the results where not happening as quick as he wanted them to. We constantly fought over nothing from resentment. It was the beginning of September when I woke up one morning and told Dave I wanted the divorce. We talked. I saw a counselor. I told Dave he could stay but I was serious about the divorce but I will try to work it out. A month later is when I told him to move out.

Josh joined the FB world and we became friends. I found out he was coming home for Christmas. I hadn't seen him in many years so I couldn't pass up the chance to see him when I may not get another one for another year. Now, believe me I know how all this looks! I'll say it again... I did NOT leave Dave for Josh. Dave and I were having problems long before. If there was a way to make my marriage work believe me I would!! This is not a life I would have chosen for myself. I'm ruined, my relationship with Dave is ruined! Josh just happened to fall into my lap at the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) time. I am madly in love with him and I am not sorry for that. Sept-Dec. were the worse/most confusing times of my entire life! I NEVER want to feel that way again and wouldn't wish it upon my enemies! I have never felt so lost/alone.

One thing that really stands out when I start questioning my decision to leave. When I think about my kids. When I wonder... Am I selfish? My whole marriage I did nothing but think of others. I took care of my family! but I wasn't happy. Do I matter? Do I deserve something... different. A cousin told me when I asked these questions, "What better thing to be selfish with than your own life." My kids are still more important than my happiness. but I realized I DO matter and I deserve to be happy! And if I am happy my kids will be happy. I am what they know. I am their rock. They will learn from my attitude/behaviors. I had to put myself in a better position not only for me but for them. I am positive they will be just fine. :)

Its like no one can believe there are actual valid reasons for me to leave. Like everything is justified. Dave and my situation is NOT like anyone else. No one can compare it to their own. We may have some similarities to what most couple struggle with but believe me our main issue is not "normal" nor is it excusable! So people started looking for any reason I could have for leaving. some include...

I lost weight. a lot! People think now that I am thinner I want to mess around or something. for 1, GROSS! for 2, I lost weight FOR DAVE. I did it for myself too of course to feel good about looking in the mirror. But I wanted to be something better than I was. It was all part of my I'll do better for US. yes it has benefited me now. I have a ton more confidence than I had. but not once did I think, oo now that I can get guys attention I'm going to leave Dave and play the field. screw that! the thought of dating scares the crap out of me!

I'm neglecting my kids because I don't sit home by myself when Dave has them for a weekend. I have gone to the bar a handful of times. so that makes me out to be what exactly? and apparently hanging out laughing and dancing with my friends makes me a flirt. Am I not aloud to have friends? who I rarely see btw.

Then I am being a bad mom for allowing Josh in my home around my kids, yet I am also a bad mother for going to see Josh for a few days w/o them. I know my kids are taken care of! I am with them more than most moms! They are my life! But when I can't be I know they are with people who love them very much. Dave is a great dad and I know he has it handled. I can stand outside myself and see how that may have been a bad idea to have Josh in my home for those weeks, at the time I knew as well, but I also knew we were not going to be able to stay apart. I wasn't about to leave my kids with someone so I could spend time with him. It could have been real bad had this been dramatic for the kids. but really they still live at home, mom is the one who is always around, Dad always worked, and mom and dad were never affectionate, nothing has changed really to them. Dad just doesn't sleep at home anymore. They got to know Josh over the phone and we chatted on the web cam a few times before he came. It was all so smooth! It could not have gone over better! And with Josh being away in the army it will make the transition really slow and they will never remember any different. I am absolutely positive I am going to spend the rest of my life with Josh. So I am not concerned. None of this is going to be traumatic for the kids, Dave and I will make sure of that!

no one is perfect. We have all made mistakes... be careful what you say about others.

So, stop making excusing and see the problem for what it is and move on from it, things can get better. Get your story straight, quit assuming, and step outside yourself for a second and look around. I still have a great friendship with Dave. He is a better man because of all this.