My job, although boring, allows me to have some time to think for myself. I have some of my deepest thoughts at work. Today even more so. I have had a long emotional day!
I am missing my love. It just gets harder and harder every time we have to say goodbye. I can't wait for forever! When I get to be with him every day and every night for the rest of our lives. It's funny all the little things you take for granted! After getting over my confusion months ago I really started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a future I could plan for. But nothing can be permanent for a while. It's always the coming and the going. I know the wait will pay off! And he's worth it!! <3
I am still having a hard time with some extended family. I hate that there are people who are close to me that I care about who think poorly of me. I think I realized it's not that I care what people think of me cause if it really is ME then I will be the first to admit it! But it's when people have an assumption and make me out to seem like someone I know I'm not! My mother in-law (soon to be ex mother in-law) is one I think of often. I AM the person they have always known! I know I am and that should be all that matters but I care too much. I guess getting a divorce makes you a bad person. Like it was all my fault... I will take 50% of the blame but I know and Dave knows it wasn't all me. I'm not going to play the who started it game. it was a vicious circle that neither of us knew how to stop till it was too late. We both should have done some things differently. His advice to me... be a better communicator for Josh. Mine to him... never take her for granted. It was a good thing it ended when it did or we may not have come out of it as well as we have. We can actually be friends and we can both honestly say we still love each other very much. But we have grown apart. Though Dave is having a hard time I know he is a better man because of it. I wish people could see how a little thing like attitude can make such a HUGE difference. Just chill out! We can... what's your hold up?
One thing someone (not family) said to me that sticks in my brain when I told them I was getting a divorce, "I didn't think you were that kind of girl". What kind of girl is that exactly? One that stands up for herself? One that believes she deserves happiness? If that's it then yeah I am. But if you mean one who gives up, is selfish because we have children, and doesn't take their vows seriously... I'm offended. No one knows what we have been through and what we have had to do to make it work the past 6 years. I know my children are going to be better off not seeing their parents grow to hate and despise each other.
Now I wonder... and I know things take time and it's a process but can we be friends? maybe just not for now? not because of those around us. but because I know how hard it is for Dave to see me in love... with someone that isn't him. All I want is for him to be happy. to be OK. To look forward to something. :* Am selfish for wanting him to be a part of my life still?
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