Beginnings

2012 definitely didn't come up short on changes and new beginnings! It's been one amazing year though and I am happy to say I'm in love with my life!

We found the perfect home right off post. It fits our family just perfect and has a very relaxed feeling to it. It didn't take long for it to feel just like home! It's near a fishing lake that the kids love to walk the dogs down to to feed the ducks and play on the park. We really love the area! The zoo and plenty of hiking trails are real close. I've already made a few great friends too! :)

Gage broke his forearm wrestling around with our neighbor just before we moved. He sure is a tough kid! They had to sedate him while they reset the bone before they cast it. We found out he is like his mom and only needs small doses of medicine to get the full effect. It took him a while to come to and they had to breath for him longer than the norm. Kinda scary when you are a parent sitting in the room watching the whole thing! He wore a full arm cast for a few weeks then got a below the elbow water proof cast to finish out the summer.

Kensey has to wear glasses now. We noticed her eye drifting so we made her an appointment to go when we took the boys in to see their new Dr. She's done really great with them! At first it took about a week to just get used to the uncomfort of the nose pads but now she prefers to wear them. I think she realizes they help her see better. She doesn't really mess with them like you'd think a 2-3 year old would either. And they are super cute!

It's already the end of the 2nd quarter for school. Man time sure flies on by!

Gage is in 2nd grade. I almost always get a good report back as far as his behavior goes. His resource teacher says he is her favorite because he's so well behaved. His attention is improving and he seems to be advancing and engaging himself in discussions more. Reading is getting easier for him so homework isn't such a chore. He does well with math and has a great interest in money ;) He's made lots of friends, participates in boy scouts once a week and is going to be starting a social activity class tomorrow morning. He's really just a great kid and we are lucky as parents to have a kid like him! He is getting to where he thinks of others more. If he earns candy at school he always makes sure he has enough to share with his brother. He told me one day out of the blue when I came to pick him up from school how pretty I was. Made my day! :) He really looks up to the men in his life and strives to mirror what they do. He's constantly bringing home letters he's written to thank someone for something. He's most thankful for video games, his favorite thing to do. He's always willing to help if his sisters need a boost. Moving has really given us the opportunity to get so much closer.

Jackson is now in Kindergarten. He has really just gone above and beyond any expectations we've had. He learned to write his name in the first 2 weeks. He's already reading and doing short addition and subtraction. We really love his teacher! His methods are just perfect for Jackson. His teacher has invited him to a reading class after school every week which has given him that much more push. He behaves well in class and almost always stays on task and works hard. He's always giving hugs to all his classmates. He most enjoys to draw and color. Any extra time he has at home that's what he's doing. He draws one friend pictures all the time (they have kind of a mail exchange going on). He has lots of friends he tells me are a funny guy. He's still the same old busy body full of personality we are used to though. He's definitely our firecracker! He is also very affectionate and won't hesitate to tell you he loves you. He wrote a letter at school today that explained how he loves to play his Godzilla and Mothra with his Gagey Boy. One thing that has been in a lot of conversation lately is babies. Jackson is the only on who says no way do I want one of those! ;)

MaryJane started pre-school with a program called head start. She goes to the same school the boys go to so it's extra convenient. She is really enjoying it and has started learning to write her name (she has the first 2 letters down). They do a lot of music and dancing, reading, and arts and crafts. she is always bringing home cut out hearts and paintings she made for us. She has made lots of friends. She isn't shy to tell you she loves you and hand out kisses. Her favorite things right now are dragging the dogs around on a leash, putting play makeup on, and painting her nails. She's definitely a girly girl. She got her ears pierced about 2 years ago. She ended up taking them out herself before they could heal up and no one noticed in time before they closed up. They seriously closed in hours! The fist time it was actually just one so her dad took her to get it re-pierced. Then she took out both of them and we decided to just let them be. They looked so dang cute on her beautiful face. She is now asking to get her ears pierced again nearly every day now for the past month. So earrings are in her near future. ;) She is really loving having a sister! Kensey and her are true siblings. I can't wait to see them together as adults. Having a sister for me has been one of the best blessings!

Kensey just turned 3 last month. She's really starting to come out of her shell and is as beautiful and sassy as ever. :) We were able to have her for 3 months when we first moved here. Our home and hearts aren't full without her here! We will be picking her up in about a month and bringing her back with us for about 2 months. She's always telling us how much she loves being with all of us. I think her being around the kids have really made her grow into an affectionate and playful little girl. She still gets nervous around unfamiliar situations but she is getting better and better adjusting with all the experiences we provide her. We miss her so much and can't wait to hear her laughs in this house again soon. She loves playing on my phone and the ipad. But her very favorite thing to do is just hang out and cuddle up on the couch. We finally taught her over Christmas how to give a proper kiss. She used to just press her mouth against yours but now she will pucker and make the kissy sound. She gets so excited cause we get so excited. She's one to not do something just because you told her to. She hates being put on the spot. So it took a while but we got her there!

Josh and I got married on Dec 22nd. <3 What seems like forever, over 1 and 1/2 years apart, long distance. We finally get to live as a normal family should. Well, a normal army family... Neither of us thought getting married would feel any different after being together for 2 years and living together the past 4 months. But it really does! I didn't think I could feel any closer to him. While on our honeymoon after an amazing wedding it just hit me. It really just closed some doors and opened others. One being I get to reap the benefits of being an army wife. That whole weekend just had a blissful feeling about it. We had a beautiful wedding thanks to our parents and my aunt and all who came. Then we had a 2 night stay at the Marriott and had a 4 hour snowmobiling tour at Thousand Peaks. It was one of the best times I've had in my life! Just amazing, all of it! All the kids are very excepting and excited about things being official too. I didn't think it would mean so much to them. :)

P.S. We're pregnant!!! :-D
Let's see who's paying attention ;)

Moving

It's been quite a while since I have posted! Good news to that is I don't feel the need nearly as much these days to get things out and off my chest. Which is why I originally started this blog. Things have been great. :)

I couldn't begin to tell everything that has gone on this past year. But at this point in our lives we have a lot of changes going on. I plan to turn to bloging more. More or less to just keep those who love us updated. :)

Josh proposed on May 26th, got me a gorgeous ring! We plan to marry before years end. We will probably stick to our current anniversary (December 19th). Nothing that is going to be a huge deal, something small and personal. It is sounding like Josh will deploy for 9 months in February so our plan is to save $ and do a reception when he returns.

We are in the midst of moving to Colorado Springs. I am here now shopping for homes. Hoping to find something big enough, that will let us have dogs, at a decent price, and near a great school to acomodate our family of 6 and plans to grow. We have mastered the ultimate relationship test with the long distance. (Good thing to start a relationship out right when you're involved with the military!) And even though Josh's work days/weeks/months are lengthy at times. We are so excited to finally live like a real family! The kids are all looking forward to being in a whole new place.

We have a long, busy couple months ahead! My list of things to do just keeps growing!

Always Changing

Change... That is one thing you can always count on, It's inevitable! Adjusting to the change is the hard part. Even when I see it coming, I feel like I can never be prepared.

I have some rough months ahead! I am moving out of my home soon which is going to be emotional. Too many memories! It's my first home and the home I've raised my babies in. The good part is Dave will be moving in so at least the kids will adjust to the move slowly. they will still have their home part time until It's fixed up and sold. They seem to do a lot better with change. They are always surprising me! Nothing seems to phase them, everything is normal. I wish I had a child's mind sometimes.

My job is changing. USPS signed a new contract and eliminated my position and added a new one. which is really the same thing just less flexibility and more benefits. So there are pros and cons. but aren't there for everything? Well, I just interviewed to get my job back when everything fully transitions in a couple weeks. I will know soon if I still have a job. I really dislike (I don't hate) the work I am doing, it really is boring. I have a really hard time staying awake with my hours 20:45 - 02:45. I'm always exhausted! But I really like that I am able to be home with the kids all day. I'm able to take them places and watch them grow like a mom should :). So I do like my job, although boring, it pays well and it still allows me to be with my kids. So I am keeping my fingers crossed :)

The thing that initiated this post was the constant change I have to endure over and over and over. I've said this before, it's always the coming and the going. It's hard for me, after being used to having someone around all the time, to be on my own. And I don't mean my kids. I love love love being with my kids! I know I will always have them. It's REALLY hard when I am home alone without them!! But to have that adult interaction, to have help around the house and with the kids. To not have to depend on others for a sitter when I go to work. A shoulder to cry on whenever I need it when something goes wrong. Even to help out financially with every day things. It's a huge weight lifted from my shoulders to have him with me. Him being Josh of course. We go long lengths of time apart. It seems like every time I am getting used to being alone, doing things my way, not having to rely on anyone but myself (not to discredit my amazing mother who helps me out a TON). He gets to come home. the longer the time apart the harder it is to get used to him being here. It's like I walk around confused, mostly on an intimate - emotional level. To not be touched for so long... it's hard to except that he is here, arm to arm, palm to palm, to let myself feel, if that makes any sense, while knowing he is just going to leave again and I have to say goodbye... :( :( I hate goodbyes!! As soon as I am used to him always being there, counting on it actually, I have to get used to being alone all over again. I think I tend to build up a wall to get by emotionally. It's like a natural anti-depressant, I just turn off the switch. So it takes time to brake it down. This is going to be a long hard road! I know I chose it but it doesn't make it any easier! Even the kids ask where he is all the time. I dread the day he gets the call to deploy somewhere!

The good change with that situation is Josh moved from Kentucky. It sure is nice to be in the same time zone! He's living in Colorado Springs. Which makes visiting a whole lot easier! and cheaper! And he has a great family. They really are amazing! They always make a point to invite me with or without josh, And to let me know they care. They really make it a whole lot easier! I love how natural it feels to be with them, it's never awkward! :)

So many things I could say! Change change and more change. you'd think I'd be used to it by now. My life has not changed so much in the last 25+ yrs as in the last year. At least that's what it feels like. I have had every emotion imaginable. I can't wait for life to feel normal again. To feel like I'm in charge of my own life rather than my life being in charge of me.

But to end on a happy note. I am really blessed to have so much! It can always be worse! :) :) :) And it WILL get better! :) And I am happy to see those around me happy and well. Wow that all sounded real corny... ;) but really it keeps me going to see those around me that I care for and love living happy productive lives! :) <3

Criticism

I've realized people are so quick to judge others because their own lives are so messed up that it eases their guilt by making others look or feel bad.

I am trying my darnedest not to judge those who have judged me!

Matthew 7:1-3
1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged,
and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye
and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

I'm not religious but I think a lot of things in the Bible speak true. Really it's more just common sense.

There have been many accusations going around about me. It seems as though people don't have the guts to call me up and ask questions. I am honest! If you ask I will tell. I have absolutely nothing to hide!

Starting from the beginning. When Dave and I were engaged I went to a bar my cousin owned with a friend and some family after my bridal shower. A group of guys were there that Dave and I hung out with often. They were friends of another cousin of mine. Well the friend I came with thought one of them was cute so I spent most of the night talking and dancing with him AND my friend. I was trying to hook them up. Well a few days after that night ended I found out my cousin was accusing me of kissing this guy that night. I will say, he was VERY drunk and he actually flat out told me he wishes he was Dave. So he may have imagined it but it NEVER happened! My friend and some family that was there can contest to that. Well, the accusation ruined my relationship with my cousin and swayed views some extended family members had of me. And now I am reliving it. Everyone assumes it must have been true because I have a BF now.

Which brings me to the next accusation. Everyone thinks I'm cheating on Dave with Josh. Legally I am still married so that makes me a cheater and Josh is accused of having no character. So if this takes 2 years (which it won't) I should still stay single until everything is final? I left Dave BEFORE Josh and I got together. The reasons I asked for the divorce have absolutely NOTHING to do with Josh! I have no intentions what so ever of going back. People go on a "break" in their relationship and sleep with other people. That in my opinion is not OK! But this is not just a break we are finito! Some people think it is just morally wrong because our vows still stand until it's official. That is a personal opinion. But I would like to see what those people would really do in my position. and if you were Josh and you had a shot at the one person you ever truly loved, you'd just sit back and watch? I think not!


Here's a little history...

Josh and I have known each other well since high school. His home was a 2nd home to me at one point. We were never officially BF GF but we were both aware we liked each other very much. To this day neither of us can explain why we never acted upon that. The time just wasn't right I guess. Well Josh joined the army and left shortly after we graduated. While he was gone he got me a ring. As a promise to be together. Asking me to wait for him. It was all very confusing though. Josh and I never spoke about it, it was just assumed. And I still dated.

Dave came along while Josh was deployed. We fell in love. It IS possible for a person to love more than 1 person at a time. I have always loved Josh! I put those feelings aside though. There were a couple times Josh and I saw each other when I was engaged at funerals but it was nothing more than a hello. I actually told Dave from the very beginning when he proposed that if Josh came back around and wanted a relationship before Dave and I got married that I would give it to him. I did promise after all. Not long after I was married Josh married as well. We never spoke a word to each other for over 8 years.



All of my heart/effort went into my marriage. Dave and I had some issues from the beginning that ultimately ended our marriage. We struggled for 6 years. I always said I would never leave no matter what. Maybe that was me in denial. I knew there was a huge problem. I read books, I changed, I tried, and so did Dave. but it always came back around full circle. We had some wonderful times in our marriage and had 3 amazing kids. But there was no way Dave and I could continue to have a relationship.

The first time I talked to Dave seriously about a divorce was around January 2010. We never told family of our problems so no one knew. But our close friends could see. Dave wrote me a card asking for forgiveness. He wanted to try harder. He asked me to love him again. Things did get better... for a short while. He seemed serious so I tried harder too. Then he just got mean when the results where not happening as quick as he wanted them to. We constantly fought over nothing from resentment. It was the beginning of September when I woke up one morning and told Dave I wanted the divorce. We talked. I saw a counselor. I told Dave he could stay but I was serious about the divorce but I will try to work it out. A month later is when I told him to move out.

Josh joined the FB world and we became friends. I found out he was coming home for Christmas. I hadn't seen him in many years so I couldn't pass up the chance to see him when I may not get another one for another year. Now, believe me I know how all this looks! I'll say it again... I did NOT leave Dave for Josh. Dave and I were having problems long before. If there was a way to make my marriage work believe me I would!! This is not a life I would have chosen for myself. I'm ruined, my relationship with Dave is ruined! Josh just happened to fall into my lap at the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) time. I am madly in love with him and I am not sorry for that. Sept-Dec. were the worse/most confusing times of my entire life! I NEVER want to feel that way again and wouldn't wish it upon my enemies! I have never felt so lost/alone.

One thing that really stands out when I start questioning my decision to leave. When I think about my kids. When I wonder... Am I selfish? My whole marriage I did nothing but think of others. I took care of my family! but I wasn't happy. Do I matter? Do I deserve something... different. A cousin told me when I asked these questions, "What better thing to be selfish with than your own life." My kids are still more important than my happiness. but I realized I DO matter and I deserve to be happy! And if I am happy my kids will be happy. I am what they know. I am their rock. They will learn from my attitude/behaviors. I had to put myself in a better position not only for me but for them. I am positive they will be just fine. :)

Its like no one can believe there are actual valid reasons for me to leave. Like everything is justified. Dave and my situation is NOT like anyone else. No one can compare it to their own. We may have some similarities to what most couple struggle with but believe me our main issue is not "normal" nor is it excusable! So people started looking for any reason I could have for leaving. some include...

I lost weight. a lot! People think now that I am thinner I want to mess around or something. for 1, GROSS! for 2, I lost weight FOR DAVE. I did it for myself too of course to feel good about looking in the mirror. But I wanted to be something better than I was. It was all part of my I'll do better for US. yes it has benefited me now. I have a ton more confidence than I had. but not once did I think, oo now that I can get guys attention I'm going to leave Dave and play the field. screw that! the thought of dating scares the crap out of me!

I'm neglecting my kids because I don't sit home by myself when Dave has them for a weekend. I have gone to the bar a handful of times. so that makes me out to be what exactly? and apparently hanging out laughing and dancing with my friends makes me a flirt. Am I not aloud to have friends? who I rarely see btw.

Then I am being a bad mom for allowing Josh in my home around my kids, yet I am also a bad mother for going to see Josh for a few days w/o them. I know my kids are taken care of! I am with them more than most moms! They are my life! But when I can't be I know they are with people who love them very much. Dave is a great dad and I know he has it handled. I can stand outside myself and see how that may have been a bad idea to have Josh in my home for those weeks, at the time I knew as well, but I also knew we were not going to be able to stay apart. I wasn't about to leave my kids with someone so I could spend time with him. It could have been real bad had this been dramatic for the kids. but really they still live at home, mom is the one who is always around, Dad always worked, and mom and dad were never affectionate, nothing has changed really to them. Dad just doesn't sleep at home anymore. They got to know Josh over the phone and we chatted on the web cam a few times before he came. It was all so smooth! It could not have gone over better! And with Josh being away in the army it will make the transition really slow and they will never remember any different. I am absolutely positive I am going to spend the rest of my life with Josh. So I am not concerned. None of this is going to be traumatic for the kids, Dave and I will make sure of that!

no one is perfect. We have all made mistakes... be careful what you say about others.

So, stop making excusing and see the problem for what it is and move on from it, things can get better. Get your story straight, quit assuming, and step outside yourself for a second and look around. I still have a great friendship with Dave. He is a better man because of all this.

Deep in thought...

My job, although boring, allows me to have some time to think for myself. I have some of my deepest thoughts at work. Today even more so. I have had a long emotional day!

I am missing my love. It just gets harder and harder every time we have to say goodbye. I can't wait for forever! When I get to be with him every day and every night for the rest of our lives. It's funny all the little things you take for granted! After getting over my confusion months ago I really started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a future I could plan for. But nothing can be permanent for a while. It's always the coming and the going. I know the wait will pay off! And he's worth it!! <3



I am still having a hard time with some extended family. I hate that there are people who are close to me that I care about who think poorly of me. I think I realized it's not that I care what people think of me cause if it really is ME then I will be the first to admit it! But it's when people have an assumption and make me out to seem like someone I know I'm not! My mother in-law (soon to be ex mother in-law) is one I think of often. I AM the person they have always known! I know I am and that should be all that matters but I care too much. I guess getting a divorce makes you a bad person. Like it was all my fault... I will take 50% of the blame but I know and Dave knows it wasn't all me. I'm not going to play the who started it game. it was a vicious circle that neither of us knew how to stop till it was too late. We both should have done some things differently. His advice to me... be a better communicator for Josh. Mine to him... never take her for granted. It was a good thing it ended when it did or we may not have come out of it as well as we have. We can actually be friends and we can both honestly say we still love each other very much. But we have grown apart. Though Dave is having a hard time I know he is a better man because of it. I wish people could see how a little thing like attitude can make such a HUGE difference. Just chill out! We can... what's your hold up?



One thing someone (not family) said to me that sticks in my brain when I told them I was getting a divorce, "I didn't think you were that kind of girl". What kind of girl is that exactly? One that stands up for herself? One that believes she deserves happiness? If that's it then yeah I am. But if you mean one who gives up, is selfish because we have children, and doesn't take their vows seriously... I'm offended. No one knows what we have been through and what we have had to do to make it work the past 6 years. I know my children are going to be better off not seeing their parents grow to hate and despise each other.

Now I wonder... and I know things take time and it's a process but can we be friends? maybe just not for now? not because of those around us. but because I know how hard it is for Dave to see me in love... with someone that isn't him. All I want is for him to be happy. to be OK. To look forward to something. :* Am selfish for wanting him to be a part of my life still?

*Lucky*

I have got to be the luckiest daughter, sister, aunt, mother, friend, girl friend, AND ex wife EVER!! I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life!

My parents are so supportive and just all around WONDERFUL! They are the parents everyone wished they had! I couldn't survive without them! They made me to be the person I am and I am so extremely thankful for them!

I love my brother and sister and the love they have for me. I have always looked up to them. They are my best friends! If I ever needed anything I know I could count on them always.

I have 3 amazing nieces. They are so smart and great at what they do! I am so proud of them <3

I could not have asked for 3 greater kids! They are my life! There would not be anything without them. They have taught me so much! They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me proud, they make me worry, they even make me angrier than ever, they give me a purpose. I love them more than life itself and they will always be #1!

I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have the friends I do. Some way, some how I found some of the greatest people on this earth to call my true friends. And they are! They are honest and true and we would do anything for the other. BFF

My love... how? how did I find someone so wonderful? I lost him for a long time but some how, if you want to call it fate, he came back to me. He is so amazing, and sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve his love. You and me forever! <3

And last but certainly not least my understanding, loving, kind, and just all around amazing ex husband. He really is a great person and anyone would be so lucky to be a part of his life. His life has been full of ups and downs but he prevails. He keeps moving forward. I envy and respect him! Always have, always will. He makes everything I am going through easier and I can not thank him enough! for his support, his love, his calm attitude. Not only for myself but for the children he gave me.

OK now that I have had a good cry... lol :) Sometimes I feel so alone but I just have to remind myself of all these truly AMAZING people I have in my corner :) And really this isn't even the half of it. I have aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, that I love o so much! Not many people get to say they have so many people who love them so much. I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO VERY MUCH!!! and THANK YOU!!

I Need You!

After a long wonderful vacation to Hawaii with my amazing parents and the love of my life I find myself feeling a bit lost... I hate feeling closer to him than ever yet so far away. Man I miss him!! :* I never thought I really NEEDED anyone, boy was I wrong! I can't wait for forever Love!